Parents are from Pluto, Teenagers are from Titan
At least it feels that far apart to Parents and Teenagers from their different perspectives at times.
Pluto is out beyond Uranus and no longer considered a planet and Titan is the largest moon of Saturn and larger than Pluto. They are over 2 1/2 billion miles apart.
Pretty far apart naturally and at times further-
Parents: How can it be so difficult to communicate with my child? Why are they so resistant to my advice? What is wrong with this younger generation? They don’t want to work as hard as I did. They don’t care as much as they should. If it worked for me it should work for them. After all they are my kids.
Teenagers: My parents are so old. They don’t understand me. I know more about golf than they do. I wish they would leave me alone. I want to do this myself. I hope they don’t embarrass me on the golf course. They don’t know me at all. What worked for them won’t work for me. I wish they would stop pushing me.
If you think back to when you were a teenager and how you interacted with your parents, you will see lots of similarities. The times have changed but the parent to teenager dynamic hasn’t changed much at all. In fact if you could go back 500 or 1,000 years I am sure you would find this same dynamic happening.
It is the product of human growth and development. A natural process that results in this distance from our children during their teenage years.
I am not a child psychologist or researcher. I have simply seen this dynamic over and over again with our Junior Golfer clients and their parents.
It is very frustrating for both sides.
You have been with your child their whole life. You teach and guide and direct and punish and approve. You are directing their lives completely while they are at home and a lot while they are in elementary and even Junior High.
They are learning from you and from the world around them.
They want to become independent and self-guiding. They want to be their own person. As long as you are telling them what to do and deciding everything for them, you are directly in the way of their freedom and self actualization.
Add a lot of hormones and all the urges and reactions just tripled for them.
They don’t have many ways to resist. You are bigger and stronger, at least for awhile. You have control in all the important areas like money and the car and their schedule.
So they do what they can. Maybe whatever they can do when away from you. When they are with you, then whatever they can in their thoughts and physically what they can get away with. If pouting and tantrums have worked in the past, then those are favorite tools to get their way.
Whatever you suggest has to be wrong simply because you suggested it. They cannot just go along or accept because then they are not independent, not adult yet. The more Dominant they are the stronger this reaction.
This conflict between what they want and what you want is the foundation for the communication and other struggles. It can make the teenage years very trying and vexing for both of you.
Be their Parent, Not their Golf Coach
(unless you are one, even then they may not accept your advice)
They have said to the world, or at least to their teenage community, “I am a golfer and good at it”. A lot of their life is spent golfing and learning to golf. They are invested. It is part of who they are.
When they were younger, they played well and so decided this was a good thing. It got approval from everyone around them.
But then they became aware of how their golf could have a big impact on their future and on their family financially. They realized from your comments and those of other parents and coaches that a golf scholarship was a big deal and they are competing for that, not just to win a golf tournament.
The stakes and importance of their competitive performances just went up big time. But they are not fully developed. They don’t have the experience to know that they can handle it. They don’t know how to do this, to compete under this kind of pressure. So they fail most of the time.
When you try to help by making suggestions and pushing them to practice, you are in conflict with the desire to self-guide and be independent. If they do what you want and it works, then they will have to listen to you in the future. This potentially gives up their future independence that they so dearly want.
They cannot be seen to accept what you say and meekly follow your instruction. Others will think they are a push over, a Daddy’s or Momma’s boy or girl. No self will.
Their ego wants validation.
Unfortunately, only a few teenagers can handle the pressure, because golf is so difficult, and get stronger without guidance.
More Unfortunately, your guidance, no matter how correct, will not be accepted gladly. When you are proven right, “I told you so” does not help the situation.
Even when they are so beat up that they are finally willing to listen, the common golf methods are unlikely to work. So they try what you said, but it doesn’t work.
Now you have a bigger problem. They were reluctant to take your advice and now they find out it didn’t work. This makes them doubly resistant to all future advice. Frustrating for you and for them.
This is why you need outside coaching, a swing coach and a golf psychologist. These other people are unknown to your teenager. They make a living at this stuff so they must be experts. This means everyone takes direction from them, so it is OK for your teenager to take direction from them.
These outside experts should also be better at this stuff than you are. Your role here is to make sure that they are good, that you are seeing improvement from their instruction.
You can read all the books and watch all the videos you want but until you try to coach others, you don’t know what works and what doesn’t.
The golf world is full of how-to instruction. Much of it conflicts and is poorly written or just flat wrong. How are you going to figure out what works and what doesn’t? How are you going to tell the difference between good and bad?
How much time do you have to experiment on your teenager? They have to perform in a very short period of time if they want to earn that college golf scholarship. You don’t want to find out that what you are doing doesn’t work in the middle of this window of opportunity.
You need to get the best instruction you can for them and for their future and for your relationship with them.
Your best role is as provider, enabler, and greatest supporter, believer in their ability, not as their golf coach.
Encourage them to make their own decisions, set their schedule, plan their practice, contact the college coaches and finish what they start. These things will help them grow and develop.
You will both be learning as you progress. And with this outside assistance you can have a much better and stronger relationship with your teenager. You both want it deep down. They want you to be proud of them.
Pluto and Titan may not be so far apart after all with a little help.
Related Articles:
